cut off your fingers or go back

a guy arrived at the hostel
man, i'll talk about movies
and a girl
and my life
and enlightenment

and i'm starting all of that
with a guy arriving at the hostel

if you're impatient, don't read
just click somewhere else
really
people can entertain you out there
a few clicks away
i want to say something so real it can't really be amusing
and it's so real i need to take my time
i can't hurry
or try to impress you
or i'll stop being able to feel it
to have it in my mouth to say

i know it's difficult to understand
but this guy arrived at the hostel
and he gave me some weed
he said this guy who planted the weed
would play Mozart to the plants
the best taken care weed on Earth
and he was short
and fat
and blond
and funny

and his girlfriend was way too beautiful for a short fat guy
but he was fine, man
he was really fine
and friendly
and we talked about movies
and things
as we smoked some of that weed
and he said "do you know Jodorowsky"
and who the fuck knows Jodorowsky?
i didn't
he said
"you must watch Holy Mountain, man"
and the day he left he wrote me a note
"4 u
Jodorowsky
Holy Mountain"

and today i watched it
and this text may be kinda hard to follow
or understand
but the movie is way deeper
and i searched a big pile of files
to find this guy's e-mail
to thank him

a bunch of hookers and a monkey praying to Jesus
the movie is so perfect

and i won't explain it
but it's deep
and an alchemist gathers this group
to seek enlightenment
the Holy Mountain
one perfect allegory after the other
not just because it's a smart catch
but because the guy knows what he's talking about
he walked the way

and a girl can't climb anymore, towards the top of the Holy Mountain
enlightenment
they tell her:
"you're afraid of climbing.
you're afraid of success.
give yourself to the world"

and this guy says, later
(and that's the point of the whole text)
he says:
"i can't pretend anymore.
my fingers are frozen"

and they tell him:
"after everything, you still can't forget your body.
you're still attached.
kill this love that holds you back.
you must sacrifice your own body if you want to continue.
cut off your fingers,
or go back"

and he cuts his fingers

shit, man
i'm as about to cry as i have been in a few years
that's as far as i can get without out-of-the-ordinary events
and this about to cry is ordinary to me already
so much unnecessary sadness all around me
my blood is getting cold as a reptile
i cut my fingers
so easily
i cut them as if they were hair
or nails

very recently, i just cut part of me
i tried to pretend they were alright
long after i knew they were frozen
but there comes this time you can’t lie to yourself anymore
your fingers are frozen
and you must cut them or go back

i crossed the Pantheon Bar
(you should watch the movie)
the path i walk is perfectly shown in there, to me
i saw the bar, man
it was right there
i know many, many people who live in that bar
i lost many good friends to that Pantheon Bar
those characters, i know them
i can give them names of people in my facebook
in my phone list

but i was lucky to realize the Holy Mountain is not in my words
words are only my arms, and legs
so i left that bar
to keep climbing
words must be humble servants
not something to be put on an altar
i’m not even a good writer anymore
can’t treat a text as an statue anymore
texts are just ladders
i step over them and move forward
can’t care if they’re beautiful
they’re just supposed to spring me higher
and higher
and i got scared of climbing
that bar DID look cozy
i got scared of climbing
it seemed too high for me
and even dangerous
i couldn’t climb forward
i was scared
because i wasn’t even a good writer anymore
and then i gave myself to the world
not caring for me as the son of my father anymore
i've thrown crippled dwarves in the water
and just recently i cut some frozen fingers out of me

it was fingers
and it was a girl
and it was beauty
and it was hope
and it was a heart

i’ve cut a handful of hearts out of my chest already

they were frozen
they had to go
and it's all healed
there's no physical pain anymore

i don't even feel then - like some who feel their lost limbs

people feel lost limbs precisely because
they're not able
to cut off these fingers
i'm talking about

i cut a heart out
recently

and i can grow another
cold as a reptile
it's not even the first one
it wasn't even a big one
it doesn't matter
i can see the cut ends
the empty
i don't feel it
but i can see them
the idea of cutting fingers out
scares me

forever
as i live
i'll miss them
i'll be sad about them
even if it can't hurt me anymore

something in me worries about them

but they're fingers
frozen
how could they ever care for themselves
or remember me
when they have no eyes to see
no ears to listen
no heart to beat?

they THINK they feel
i guess
just because they EXIST

but they can't really feel
it's just impossible

they’re frozen

and what am i, then?
cold as a reptile
i question myself, what's the difference?

is there really an end to suffering,
like Buddha was searching for?
do people really get there?
the Holy Mountain?

i guess i'm too far ahead
to be asking basic questions
i'm cutting fingers off

but
right now
i can't see any difference anymore

i keep doing things alone
things nobody else does
reflected in movies nobody else understands
and it was supposed to be better
and sometimes it is
i guess
but is it?

people feel good too
and it's so easy
and i'm suffering too
like them
and i’m pretty aware of that
can’t hide it under a carpet, like they do

and if they're frozen,
i'm cutting fingers off

and it's so difficult
if it's all the same, why should i struggle?

i think mostpeople can't feel
but how can fingers walk
and talk
and laugh
and do anything at all
right in front of me
and still mean nothing at all?

things that were part of me
and now are just dead flesh
lying somewhere
as i keep going

i get all confused thinking about this
and it looks like simple selective insensitivity
sometimes

you just choose
how you’ll get fucked
and my way is so much
more difficult
feels like i’m losing it
sometimes

but then i think
no

fingers got frozen, in the first place
the world is harsh
one can't have beauty all the time
one can't have ANYTHING all of the time
part of our suffering comes just from being alive
it's part of the deal

my confusion with this means only i still have a long way to go

time is not always right
for feasts

when you live with the apes, man
it’s hard to be clean
as mary manson would say

if there are no feasts around
we’ll all look the same
i know

i’ll even look worst
as i’m not collecting any of the gold coins mostpeople are after

but when there’s a feast around
and they always come
though you never see
like suffering
they’re always around
and my skin will be clean
and nothing in me will be frozen
and i’ll have eyes to see
and ears to listen
and a mouth to eat
and they’ll let me in
and i’ll feast

and if it feels selfish now
to abandon fingers so i can feast by myself
i’m always inviting people
to get ready to the feast
with me

it’s not my fault if they prefer to keep their frozen fingers
and gold coins
and candy
and cigarettes
and fancy clothes
and fancy cars
and a long long list
of those things
you can’t really feast
upon

these are weak men
feasts

There’s no feast
book
pussy
joint
beer
party
word
big enough to satisfy my hunger

i need holy mountain

i think i lost myself up there

last word:

"The jungle creed says the strongest feed,
on any prey that it can.
And I was branded beast at every feast
before I ever became a man"


----

The Pantheon Bar: